I’m insecure about this

Just to put it out there.

A few years ago, I was watching a YouTube video by one of my favourite spoken word artists and one of the actors said something that I found funny at the time. But it stuck with me. And over the years, I randomly think about it and ponder on it. I still find it funny.

He said, “insecurities are not something I suffer from.” It wasn’t just the absurdity of the statement that stuck out for me, which was that it was an obvious lie of course, but it was also how he said it, the rigour, like it was a sickness or a calamity of some sort.

If you know me, you’ll know I like to think of myself as a writer. But if you know me well enough you’ll also know that my writing is something I’m very insecure about.

Is it good enough? Am I clear enough? Do you think the editors will like it? I know it’s not all that, but do you think it’s so bad that the publishers will never want anything to do with me? Should I just save it to my drafts? You know what, I’ll just delete it. Till I write something better.

And on and on it goes. I get caught up in this unhealthy vicious cycle of fear and I never get anything done. Don’t get me wrong, I have written a lot. I’ve written a lot of poems, some articles and I even started writing a book a couple of times. I‘ve had a poem published in an art magazine and I was able to get an article published on two online news platforms through the help of a friend.

But all this hasn’t helped how I feel about this. I still only post my poems on my Instagram. And I actually get good feedback on them but sometimes I can’t help but think if I’m just being patronised—see what I’m talking about? Insecurities! My other write-ups are lying dead somewhere on my laptop, my notes app, and my Google docs. Waiting for me to give them life.

It also doesn’t help that I’m still yet to get feedback from editors in months after sending them my work.

This is why I’m writing this. This is why I’m starting this. This is my way of dealing with this insecurity. This is my way of taking control. I’m putting my work out there, errors and all. And so what if it sucks? So what if it’s bad? I would like to know. I don’t think I’m a bad writer but I don’t know if I am. And I’ll never know if I don’t. So I’m letting the cat out of the box. That’s right, Schrodinger! I know what I did there.

The truth is that we all suffer from insecurities. To be insecure is to be human. And continuing to live in fear and letting it control you will only cripple your genius. It’s okay to be scared but don’t let it be all that you are.

And in case I haven’t been clear enough, which I’m obviously worried about, I’m really insecure about this.

But here goes nothing, right?